Σημειώσεις - notes
Κυριακή, 27 Ιουνίου 2010 στις 7:32 μ.μ. |
Οφείλουμε να ξεκαθαρίσουμε τη σχέση μας με τον εαυτό
μας πρώτα και να μπορέσουμε να δούμε τον εαυτό μας καθαρά πριν μπορέσουμε να
ξεκινήσουμε να δούμε τις σχέσεις μας με τους άλλους ανθρώπους ξεκάθαρα.Θα θελα
να είμαι σαφής σε αυτό το σημείο από την αρχή.Αυτή είναι μια σταδιακή
διαδικασία του να βρει κανείς μια αίσθηση ισορροπίας, ποτέ ένας απολύτως
προορισμός. Αυτό που πραγματικά προσπαθώ να πω εδώ είναι ότι η θεραπευτική
διαδικασία είναι μια εσωτερική δουλειά.Κανείς έξω από σένα δεν μπορεί να σε
αποστραγγίσει από την ενέργεια σου η να αφαιρέσει τη δύναμή σου Εκτός και αν
ταιριάζει με το γνωστικό σου υπόδειγμα που τα συναισθηματικά σου τράυματα έχουν
καθορίσει. Οι χορδές, οι αλυσίδες της ενέργειας που μας συνδέουν με τους άλλους
ανθρώπους, μας συνδέουν εξαιτίας των πεποιθήσεών μας Αλλάζοντας τις πεποιθήσεις
μπορούμε να αποσυνδεθούμε από τους ανθυγιεινούς δεσμούς που έχουμε αναπτύξει με
τους άλλους ανθρώπους Μπορούμε τότε να μάθουμε πως να συνδεόμαστε ενεργητικά με
τρόπους που είναι υγιεινοί και γεμάτοι αγάπη. Τότε μπορούμε να μάθουμε τη
διαφορά ανάμεσα στην υγιεινή αλληλεξάρτηση (που περιλαμβάνει το να αφαιρέσουμε
κάποια δύναμη από τα συναισθήματά μας) και την εξάρτηση...Για να μπορέσουμε να
δούμε ξεκάθαρα πως συνδεόμαστε με τους άλλους μέσα σε ένα πλαίσιο υγείας θα
πρέπει πρώτα να συνειδητοποιήσουμε και να ορίσουμε πως είμαστε χωριστοί από
τους άλλους .Σε επίπεδο βιολογικό, Εαυτού, είμαστε αποχωρισμένοι κι οφείλουμε
να το κατέχουμε αυτό πριν μπορέσουμε να ανοιχτούμε συνειδητά στο να βιώσουμε
την εμπειρία της σύνδεσης με όλους και τα πάντα.Οφείλουμε να δούμε τη σχέση μας
με τον εαυτό μας ξεκάθαρα πριν μπορέσουμε να δούμε καθαρά τις σχέσεις μας με
τους άλλους . Εξω ή απο μέσα? Πως λοιπόν θα ξεχωρίζουμε στο να κοιτάμε έξω για
την πηγή ταυτόχρονα συνδυάζοντας την ενέργεια που έχουμε μέσα μας με κείνη την
εξωτερική επιρροή που θα μας βοηθήσει να προσεγγίσουμε την Πηγή μέσα μας... Το
κλειδί είναι τα συναισθήματά μας. Όσο περισσότερο στοιχίζουμε το γνωστικό μας
υπόδειγμα να είναι εγγύτερα στην έννοια της σύνδεσης με τους άλλους και
θεραπεύουμε τα συναισθηματικά μας τράυματα τόσο περισσότερη ελευθερία έχουμε να
ζούμε την στιγμή ανεξάρτητα από το τι αισθανόμαστε.Όσο περισσότερο έχεις την
πίστη και το κουράγιο να βαδίσεις μέσα απο τους φόβους σου τόσο περισσότερο θα
παίρνεις μακριά τη δύναμη από τους φόβους σου και θα αρχίσεις να είσαι στ
αλήθεια ανοιχτός στο να βιώσεις την ζωή στην πληρότητά της. Όσο περισσότερο
είσαι ανοιχτός στην αγάπη και τη χαρά, Τόσο περισσότερες ευκαιρίες θα χει να
συντονιστείς με την χαρά στην στιγμή-Και θα είσαι ικανός(για περισσότερες
στιγμές) να παραμένεις στην αγάπη Τότε θα μπορέσεις, στην στιγμή ,κάποιες
φορές, να μάθεις να αγαπάς σαν να μην είχες πληγωθεί ποτέ...
Πέμπτη, 24 Ιουνίου 2010 στις 10:58 μ.μ. |
by Robert Burney. "I had
never experienced feeling loved consistently in my closest relationships.
Because my parents did not know how to Love themselves, their behavior towards
me had caused me to experience love as critical, shaming, manipulative,
controlling, and abusive. Because that was my experience of love as a child -
that was the only type of relationship I was comfortable with as an adult. It
was also, and most importantly, the relationship that I had with myself."
"In a Codependent society we are taught, in the name of "love,"
to try to control those we love, by manipulating and shaming them, to try to
get them to do the 'right' things - in order to protect our own ego-strength.
Our emotional experience of love is of something controlling: "I love you
if you do what I want you to do." Our emotional experience of love is of
something that is shaming and manipulative and abusive." "Love does
not entail sacrificing your self on the altar of martyrdom - because one cannot
consciously choose to sacrifice self if they have never Truly had a self that
they felt was Lovable and worthy. If we do not know how to Love our self, how
to show respect and honor for our self - then we have no self to sacrifice. We
are then sacrificing in order to try to prove to ourselves that we are lovable
and worthy - that is not giving from the heart, that is codependently
manipulative, controlling, and dishonest." The True Nature of Love - part
1, what Love is not By Robert Burney "We live in a society where the
emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where
fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because
parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth. In
other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his
parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is
something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good
family.") What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually
the good child - the family hero role - who is the most emotionally dishonest
and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat -
is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. Backwards
again. In a Codependent society we are taught, in the name of "love,"
to try to control those we love, by manipulating and shaming them, to try to
get them to do the 'right' things - in order to protect our own ego-strength.
Our emotional experience of love is of something controlling: "I love you
if you do what I want you to do." Our emotional experience of love is of
something that is shaming and manipulative and abusive. Love that is shaming
and abusive is an insane, ridiculous concept. Just as insane and ridiculous as
the concept of murder and war in the name of God." One day several years
into my recovery I had one of those insights, those moments of a light bulb
going on in my head, that was the beginning of a major paradigm shift for me.
It was one of those moments of clarity which caused me to start reevaluating
the mental perspectives and definitions that were dictating my emotional
reactions to life. My relationships with myself, with life, and with other
people - and therefore my emotional reactions to life events and other people's
behavior - are dictated by the intellectual framework/paradigm that is
determining my perspective and expectations. So the intellectual attitudes,
beliefs, and definitions that are determining my perspective and expectations
dictate what emotional reactions I have to life - what my relationship to life
feels like. I am not sure if this particular insight came before or after I had
started consciously working on recovery from my codependency issues. I count my
codependency recovery as starting on June 3, 1986 - exactly 2 years and 5
months into my recovery in another twelve step program. It was on that day that
I realized that my emotional relationship with life was being dictated by the
subconscious programming from my childhood - not by the intellectual attitudes,
beliefs, and definitions that I had consciously chosen as being what I believed
as an adult. To my horror I could see clearly that my behavioral patterns in my
adult life were based on the beliefs and definitions that were imposed on me in
early childhood. And I could see that even though these subconscious beliefs
were based partly on the messages I received, they were even more firmly
grounded upon the assumptions that I made about myself and life because of the
emotional trauma I had suffered and because of the role modeling of the adults
that I had grown up around. On that day 13 years ago I Truly was able to see
and admit to myself that I had been powerless to make healthy choices in my
life because the emotional wounds and subconscious programming from my
childhood had been dictating my emotional reactions to life, my relationship
with myself and life. The saying I had heard in recovery that 'if you keep
doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting' suddenly
became clear. On that day, a paradigm shift occurred that allowed me to see
life from a different perspective - a perspective that caused me to become
willing to start doing the work necessary to change that intellectual
programming and heal those emotional wounds. Paradigm Shifting Insight That is
the way the recovery process has worked for me. I have an insight that allows
me to see an issue from a different perspective. Once my perspective has
started changing, the paradigm has started shifting, then I can see what needs
to be changed in my intellectual programming in order to start changing my
emotional reactions. I see where I have been powerless - trapped by old
attitudes and definitions - and then I have the power to change my relationship
to that issue, which will change my emotional experience of life in
relationship to that issue. (When I started writing this column, I was not
planning on focusing so much on the process - oh well, I guess it was
necessary, and hopefully will be helpful to my readers. Maybe, I just wanted to
include the fact that my 13th anniversary in codependence recovery is upon me.
Whatever, I will get on with the column now.) I don't remember how the
particular insight that I am writing about here came about - whether I heard it,
or read it, or just had the thought occur (which would mean, to me, that it was
a message from my Higher Self/Higher Power - of course any of those methods
would be a message from my Higher Power.) In any case, this particular insight
struck me with great force. Like most great insights, it was amazingly simple
and obvious. It was to me earth shattering/paradigm busting in it's impact. The
insight was: If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you. What a
concept! Obvious, logical, rational, elementary - like 'duh' of course it
should. I had never experienced feeling loved consistently in my closest
relationships. Because my parents did not know how to Love themselves, their
behavior towards me had caused me to experience love as critical, shaming,
manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Because that was my experience of love
as a child - that was the only type of relationship I was comfortable with as
an adult. It was also, and most importantly, the relationship that I had with
myself. In order to start changing my relationship with myself, so that I could
start changing the type of relationships I had with other people, I had to
start focusing on trying to learn the True nature of Love. This, I believe, is
the Great Quest that we are on. Anyone in recovery, on a healing/Spiritual
path, is ultimately trying to find their way home to LOVE - in my belief. LOVE
is the Higher Power - the True nature of the God-Force/Goddess Energy/Great
Spirit. LOVE is the fabric from which we are woven. LOVE is the answer. And in
order to start finding my way home to LOVE - I first had to start awakening to
what Love is not. Here are a few things that I have learned, and believe, are
not part of the True nature of Love. Love is not: Critical Shaming Abusive
Controlling Manipulative Demeaning Humiliating Separating Discounting
Diminishing Belittling Negative Traumatic Painful most of the time etc. Love is
also not an addiction. It is not taking a hostage or being taken hostage. The
type of romantic love that I learned about growing is a form of toxic love. The
"I can't smile without out you," "Can't live without you."
"You are my everything," "You are not whole until you find your
prince/princess" messages that I learned in relationship to romantic love
in childhood are not descriptions of Love - they are descriptions of drug of
choice, of someone who is a higher power/false god. Additionally, Love is not
being a doormat. Love does not entail sacrificing your self on the altar of
martyrdom - because one cannot consciously choose to sacrifice self if they
have never Truly had a self that they felt was Lovable and worthy. If we do not
know how to Love our self, how to show respect and honor for our self - then we
have no self to sacrifice. We are then sacrificing in order to try to prove to
ourselves that we are lovable and worthy - that is not giving from the heart,
that is codependently manipulative, controlling, and dishonest. Unconditional
Love is not being a self-sacrificing doormat - Unconditional Love begins with
Loving self enough to protect our self from the people we Love if that is
necessary. Until we start Loving, honoring, and respecting our self, we are not
Truly giving - we are attempting to take self worth from others by being
compliant in our behavior towards them. I also learned that Love is not about
success, achievement, and recognition. If I do not Love my self - believe at
the core of my being that I am worthy and Lovable - then any success,
achievement, or recognition I get will only serve to distract me temporarily
from the hole that I feel within, from the feeling of being defective that I
internalized as a small child because the love that I received did not feel
Loving. I realized that this is what I had done for much of my life - tried to
take self worth from being a 'nice guy' or from a princess or from becoming a
'success.' As I started awakening to what Love is not, I could then start
exploring to discover the True Nature of Love. I started consciously realizing
that this is what I had always been seeking - that my Great Quest in life is to
return home to LOVE.
I could feel that Love must be
something much greater than I had learned growing up. If Love is so wonderful,
if Love is the answer - then Love should set us Free. That is what is coming up
as I write this column - Love that is Freedom. Love that is Joy. Love that is
the only Truth that has ever mattered. Love that is Freedom - what does that
mean? To me it means the Freedom to be OK with being me. The Freedom to relax
and enJoy the moment. The Freedom to be - just be, without having to strive, to
work for, to try to reach, to prove myself, to earn Love, to get
"there." It means: Freedom from shame. Freedom from judgment. Freedom
from loneliness. Freedom from feeling separate, different, not a part of, not
acceptable. Freedom from the endless, aching longing for something more.
Freedom from the hole in my soul - from the bottomless abyss of pain and shame
and sadness that I feel at the core of my being. This place is not my home.
When I yearn for Love, I am longing to go home. "I was 'transported with
Joy', and my 'spirit was soaring', as I danced on the rock. And in my dancing
and singing I Truly understood what those expressions meant. For in being
'transported' and 'soaring' I was merely tuning into the vibrational frequency
that is Joy and Love and Truth. I could see clearly now how human beings
throughout history had been trying to tune into Love. The primal urge that has
caused humans to attempt to 'alter their consciousness', through drugs or
religion or food or meditation or whatever, is no more than an attempt to raise
one's vibrational frequency. All any soul in body has ever done is to try to
return home to God - we were just doing it all backwards because of the
reversity of the planets energy field." The Dance of The Wounded Souls
Trilogy Book 1 "In The Beginning . . . " (Chapter 4) Humans have
always been looking for a way home. For a way to connect with our Higher
Consciousness. For a way to reconnect with our creator. Throughout human
history, human beings have used temporary artificial means to raise their
vibrational level, to try to reconnect with Higher Consciousness. Drugs and
alcohol, meditation and exercise, sex and religion, starvation and overeating,
the self-torture of the flagellant or the deprivation of the hermit - all are
attempts to connect with higher consciousness. Attempts to reconnect with
Spiritual Self. Attempts to go home. Part of the reason that I have had trouble
in writing this column is because of the intellectual context I was approaching
it from. I was thinking that I had to know what I was talking about, had to be
able to communicate to you the Truth about Love. That was pretty silly of me.*
Love is what I am learning about. Love is what recovery and healing are all
about. Love is the goal. Love is home. *[Actually, it was my disease at work -
causing me to judge and shame myself for not feeling competent to write about
the True Nature of Love. This disease of codependence is so incredibly
insidious, treacherous, and powerful. It continually turns back in on itself.
The disease doesn't want me to take the risk of Loving and trusting my self and
then it turns around and causes me to judge myself because I don't Love my
self. I don't Love myself because of the disease - the ego programming that is
a result of being wounded and traumatized by being Spiritually orphaned in an
alien environment. By being born into and raised in an emotionally dishonest
and dysfunctional, Spiritually hostile, shame based, Love mutilated (mutilate -
1. To deprive of a limb or essential part. 2. To damage or injure by the
removal of an important part.) civilization on a planet where civilized
societies have evolved based on the belief in separation and fear-based
hostility - separation between beings, separation between humans and their
environment, and separation between the flesh and the Spirit. The civilization
I was raised in is so sick and twisted that it took the teachings of the Master
Teacher who came into body to teach us about Love and twisted those teachings
into something shameful and hate-filled. Jesus Christ carried a message of Love
- not shame and judgment.] "Due to the planetary conditions, the human ego
developed a belief in separation - which is what made violence possible and
caused the human condition as we inherited it. The reflection of that human
condition on the individual level is the disease of Codependence. Codependence
is caused by the ego being traumatized and programed in early childhood so that
our relationship with ourselves and the God-Force is dysfunctional - that is,
it does not work to help us access the Truth of ONENESS and Love. It is through
healing our relationship with ourselves that we open our inner channel and
start tuning into the Truth." Jesus & Christ Consciousness Now what I
thought last month was going to be one column about the True Nature of Love has
turned into at least a 4 part series. In dealing with the shame I was feeling
about not knowing enough about Love to write about it's True Nature, I have in
fact been processing through that shame to get to a place where I can be free
to write about the type of Love that can set me Free. So, I will save
"Love as a vibrational frequency" and "Love and romance"
for future columns. I have only a little experience with feeling Love that sets
me Free - and that has come primarily since I have been in recovery. In those
moments when I am able to connect with Love in it's True form, then I feel that
all of the pain and suffering has been worth the experience. Then I get a taste
of what home really feels like. Then I get to feel the Joy and Truth and Love
that Truly does set me Free from the illusion of separation. In those moments,
I can sometimes even feel grateful for that illusion. Because without the
illusion of separation from The Source Energy, from Love - I would never have
gotten the opportunity to experience Love. I am going to end this column with a
continuation of the quote from my book "The Dance of Wounded Souls"
which I started it with. This quote is from the very end of my book. This is my
intuitive Truth. This is an important part of the understanding which has led
to the beginning of my liberation from the shame. This Truth has helped me to
start Loving myself a little bit - to start Loving myself enough to be Free to
start believing that maybe, just maybe I am Lovable and Loved. "The Peace
and Bliss of The Eternal Now is the True Absolute Reality of the God-Force. The
illusion of separation - the distance, the separation, between the peak and the
valley - is what makes motion possible. Separation is necessary for energy to
be in motion. The illusion of separation was necessary to create The Illusion.
As part of the ONENESS of ALL THAT IS, we are God and God is LOVE. We are part
of the Truth of ONENESS vibrating at LOVE. As part of the ONENESS of LOVE we
would never have been able to experience Love. It is kind of like, "If you
are sugar then you never get to taste sugar." In God we are LOVE. Without
the illusion of separation we would never have had the opportunity to
experience Love. Would never have been able to Love and be Loved. Separation
was necessary to allow us the incredible gift of experiencing Love, of Loving
and being Loved. The Illusion that caused all of the pain is also the vehicle
for allowing us to feel and be Loved. If you pursue your path of healing, I
think that you will find as I have that it is very much worth it. It is worth
it to be able to experience Love. This is the Age of Healing and Joy. It is
time to start remembering who you Truly are, to start feeling and tuning into
the Truth which exists within you. We are all butterflies. We are all swans. We
are Spiritual Beings. The Springtime of the Spirit has arrived: It is possible
to learn to Love yourself. It is possible to be happy, Joyous, and free - if
you are willing to be scared and hurt, angry and sad. You
are Lovable. You are Loved. You are LOVE
Men and Women are from the
same planet "Men and women are not from different planets. Anyone who is
trying to explain male - female relationships without taking into account the
impact that culturally programmed emotional dishonesty, generational shame
about sexuality, and centuries of patriarchal supremacy have had on how human
beings relate to their own gender and sexuality - let alone to romantic
relationships - is focusing on symptoms. It is not possible to bring about
fundamental change or true understanding by focusing on symptoms."
"Men and women are different of course, but not nearly as different as the
emotionally dishonest, comically bloated stereotypes of normal male and female
behavior - that have been the prototypes for society - would have us
believe." "Romantic relationships are the greatest arena for
spiritual and emotional growth available to us. It is when we start opening our
hearts to another human being that our deepest wounds come into play - that our
codependent defenses have the most power. It is not possible to see our issues
in romantic relationship with any clarity until we start seeing our own inner
process with more clarity." Men and Women are from the same planet By
Robert Burney "In this society, in a general sense, the men have been
traditionally taught to be primarily aggressive, the "John Wayne"
syndrome, while women have been taught to be self-sacrificing and passive. But
that is a generalization; it is entirely possible that you came from a home
where your mother was John Wayne and your father was the self-sacrificing
martyr." "As a child, I learned from the role modeling of my father
that the only emotion that a man felt was anger. From my mother, whose
definition of love included the belief that you cannot be angry at someone you
love, I learned that it was not okay to be angry at anyone I loved."
"The point that I am making is that our understanding of Codependence has
evolved to realizing that this is not just about some dysfunctional families -
our very role models, our prototypes, are dysfunctional. Our traditional
cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted,
almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are.
A vital part of this healing process is finding some balance in our
relationship with the masculine and feminine energy within us, and achieving
some balance in our relationships with the masculine and feminine energy all
around us. We cannot do that if we have twisted, distorted beliefs about the
nature of masculine and feminine. When the role model of what a man is does not
allow a man to cry or express fear; when the role model for what a woman is
does not allow a woman to be angry or aggressive - that is emotional
dishonesty. When the standards of a society deny the full range of the
emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative - that is not only
emotionally dishonest, it creates emotional disease. If a culture is based on
emotional dishonesty, with role models that are dishonest emotionally, then
that culture is also emotionally dysfunctional, because the people of that
society are set up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional in getting
their emotional needs met." (All quotes in this color are from
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls) Men and women are not from different
planets. Anyone who is trying to explain male - female relationships without
taking into account the impact that culturally programmed emotional dishonesty,
generational shame about sexuality, and centuries of patriarchal supremacy have
had on how human beings relate to their own gender and sexuality - let alone to
romantic relationships - is focusing on symptoms. It is not possible to bring
about fundamental change or true understanding by focusing on symptoms. Just as
it is not possible to understand our romantic relationship patterns without
starting to see how our childhood wounding and programming was causal in
producing those patterns. Men and women are different of course, but not nearly
as different as the emotionally dishonest, comically bloated stereotypes of
normal male and female behavior - that have been the prototypes for society -
would have us believe. As I have shared elsewhere, we are only a generation or
two removed from cultural treatment of both women and children as property. It
is only within the last 15 years or so, that such things as healthy parenting
classes existed to acknowledge the reality that though we may have to get a
license to have a dog or drive a car, there are no such requirements for
becoming a parent. We learn how to relate to our self, our own emotions, our
gender, our sexuality, our bodies (all distinctly different relationships
though intimately interrelated) in early childhood from the role modeling of
our parents - and the messages we get both directly from them and society, and
indirectly from how their behaviors wounded and affected us. It was our parents
- who were wounded in their childhood - who role modeled for us how male and
female emotional beings act, and how they relate to each other. This is the
first of a series of articles in which I am going to be focusing on how
important it is to learn to practice discernment intellectually and emotionally
in relationship to issues of gender, sexuality, romantic relationship, and
related topics. There are enough facets and levels to the issues that come into
play in a romantic relationship that this series will probably be running for
the rest of the year. Although the primary focus of this series of articles
will not be emotional and intellectual discernment, the articles will be an
attempt to help you to practice discernment in relationship to your own inner
process - and all the levels of wounding and dysfunctional programming that
come into play in romantic and sexual relationships. Romantic relationships are
the greatest arena for spiritual and emotional growth available to us. It is
when we start opening our hearts to another human being that our deepest wounds
come into play - that our codependent defenses have the most power. It is not
possible to see our issues in romantic relationship with any clarity until we
start seeing our own inner process with more clarity. And then it is necessary,
not just to start to understand the dynamics of our wounding and codependent
patterns, but to start intervening in our own inner process to set boundaries
within. To start being healthier, we need to learn to set internal boundaries -
not only with the critical parent voice as I have spoken of in several of my
recent articles, but with the various emotional wounds / inner child places
within us. In the articles in inner child healing section of my web site, I
discuss some examples of the inner child wounds and how to start relating to
them in a more Loving way, including: how to set a Loving boundary with the
magical thinking child within; and how I learned to set a boundary with the 7
year old within me that wanted to die. In my last article, when I talked about
choosing between instant and delayed gratification - making that choice is
setting a boundary within. As I mentioned there, we have archetypal energies -
like the rebel - that we react out of dysfunctionally because of our wounding
and programming. (The article mentioned is: Intellectual Discernment - Choices,
not "shoulds") One of those archetypal energies that has caused most
of us a lot of grief over the years is the romantic. "The romantic within
is a wonderful, magical part of us - the idealistic, dreamer, lover, creative
part of us that is a wonderful asset when kept in balance - and can lead to
disastrous consequences when allowed to be in control of choices. In our
unconsciousness, many of us swung between the extremes of letting the romantic
within be in control of our choices - in which case we cast the wrong person in
the part of our Prince or Princess and then because we wanted the fairy tale so
badly we denied any evidence to the contrary and ended up heartbroken - and
reacting to our heartbreak by slamming the romantic into an inner dungeon and
believing we will never find love." - Inner Awareness - Internal Census In
this series of articles, I will be discussing issues ranging: from setting
boundaries with the maiden archetype within (and the male counter part - which
in emotionally dishonest and immature men involves being stuck in a horny
teenage perspective of women) to the genetic species programming that provides
one grain of truth at the heart of the comically bloated stereotypes of
masculine and feminine; from concepts such as monogamy and marriage to the
effects of sexual abuse and emotional incest: from the scapegoating of Eve to
the Masculine and Feminine Principles of the Universe.
"We live in a society
where sex is somehow shameful and should not be talked about - but we use sex
to sell cars. That is backwards. Human sexuality is a blessed gift to be
honored and celebrated not twisted and distorted into something demeaning and
shameful." "Trying to get our emotional needs met through sex does
not work. It is dysfunctional. Human sexuality is a blessed gift when it is in
balance with the emotional, mental and Spiritual. This is an emotionally
dishonest society which knows very little about True, healthy emotional
intimacy." "The gift of touch is an incredibly wonderful gift. One of
the reasons we are here is to touch each other physically as well as
Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Touch is not bad or shameful. Our
creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful
just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test. Any concept of
god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be
integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires
and needs, is - in my belief - a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept
that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force. We need to strive for
balance and integration in our relationships. We need to touch in healthy,
appropriate, emotionally honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies
and the gift that is physical touch. Making Love is a celebration and a way of
honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine
and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of
honoring its perfect interaction and harmony. It is a blessed way of honoring
the Creative Source." (All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The
Dance of Wounded Souls) A friend sent me an e-mail a few months ago, asking me
what I thought of polyamory. This is a belief system that holds it is possible
to have emotionally and sexually intimate relationships with more than one
person at a time. Or as I have seen it described: "responsible
non-monogamy." In my reply to her I stated that I had heard of it but did
not really know a lot about it - and that I wondered how many people living
that life style have ever done any healing of their childhood wounds. And then
I shared with her an excerpt from my online journal which I am going to expand
for this article. Someone once said to me, that they thought monogamy was a
screwed up concept that was a result of the shame around sexuality that has
been so strong in Western Civilization. This person - who was a man (surprise)
- thought that monogamy was unnatural. There has certainly been a great deal of
shame associated with sex in Western Civilization. This is especially true of
America with it's Puritan heritage. I told him that I had no idea what sex in a
healthy society would be like. Perhaps in the fantasy land where everyone is
Spiritually connected, everyone is emotionally healthy and in touch with their
connection to everything - perhaps there, we Spiritual Beings could truly enjoy
this experience of being in body by being sexual with anyone and everyone we
felt like. I have no way of knowing what a healthy Spiritually evolved society
would look like. I then told him, that given the societies we grew up in, given
the emotional dysfunction and wounding that we experienced, I did not think
anything but monogamy had a chance of being healthy. That the only people I
knew who could be sexual a lot with a lot of different partners, either were
using drugs and alcohol, or were acting out addictively because of their
emotional wounding. (And I was not just referring to sex addicts here, I also
include love or relationship addicts who feel desperately incomplete alone and
use their sexuality to try to get the love they are starved for - looking for
love in all the wrong places and accepting sex when they really want love.) The
first challenge for us in recovery is to start learning how to be emotionally
honest and intimate with our self - which means we also need to develop a
healthy concept of, and relationship with, our self. This is a process that
takes some time - as we learn to practice intellectual discernment in changing
the dysfunctional programming from childhood, and emotional discernment that
allows us to have internal boundaries so we can grieve our wounds and disarm
the emotional mine field within us related to opening our hearts to another
human being. To be able to do that with another person whom we are attracted to
romantically / physically, who is also healing their relationship with self -
is an incredible gift, and a rare opportunity. The more people that get into
recovery on the level where they are healing their inner child wounds, the more
chance that we can find someone who is doing this work. Uncovering and healing
all the different levels of dysfunctional programming and emotional wounds in
regard to our own gender and sexuality - and changing how we relate to people
that we are attracted to - is a process that takes time and energy. To think we
could develop the needed level of emotional intimacy to engage in sexual
activity in a healthy way with multiple partners is kind of insane in my
opinion. To engage in sexual activity without developing healthy emotional
intimacy is codependent and dysfunctional most of the time. I specifically said
"most of the time," because sometimes it can be the path to
developing a healthy relationship. So many of us learned to jump right into the
sexual relationship without knowing how to be emotionally intimate, and most of
the time - because one (or both) of the partners are not willing to do the
healing - that will end up leaving us feeling empty and beating ourselves up
for another "mistake." If however, two people who are in recovery
jump into a sexual relationship, it may be the stimulus that forces them to
learn how to develop healthy intimacy. Sometimes two people who are not in
recovery from their childhood issues will be led into recovery to heal their
wounds because of a sexual encounter - if both people are willing to do the
work. Whatever the circumstances, healing ourselves and developing a healthy
relationship with another person who is healing, takes an investment in time
and energy that is huge - just to do it with one person. I have a hard time
understanding how it could be done with multiple partners. I just really don't
know what healthy sexuality would look like for emotionally healthy people. I
don't know any emotionally healthy people - just people who are in the process
of learning to be emotionally healthy. What I do know, is that our childhood
role modeling, emotional trauma, and intellectual programming causes
codependency - which involves having a myriad of dysfunctional relationships
inside of our self before we ever attempt to relate to another human being. As
I say towards the top of the home page of my web site Joy2MeU.com:
"Codependency is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self! With
our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits. With our own gender and
sexuality. With being human. Because we have dysfunctional relationships
internally, we have dysfunctional relationships externally. Codependency is an
emotional and behavioral defense system which our egos adapted in early
childhood to help us survive. We were raised in shame based, emotionally
dishonest, Spiritually hostile environments by parents who were wounded in
their childhood's by patriarchal, shame based civilization that treated
children and women as property." There are layers of wounding that need to
be peeled off gradually as we do the healing and change the dysfunctional
programming. We all have huge fear of intimacy issues because the first people
we opened our hearts to - our parents - were wounded, and in turn they wounded
us. In several places in my writing, I note that in my opinion romantic
relationships are the greatest arena for Spiritual growth available to us -
because being romantically, sexually involved with another person pushes all
our buttons, triggers all of our deepest wounds and strongest defenses. For one
person in codependency recovery to develop a romantic relationship with another
recovering person, is a process that evolves over time and involves a lot of
hard work - and a lot of emotions. To find one recovering person who is willing
to put in the time and effort, who is also someone we are attracted to
emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, is an incredible gift in my
opinion. I really can't see it happening with several people at once. I,
personally, don't see how it would be possible for someone who was raised on
this planet to have a healthy physically intimate, emotionally honest
relationship with more than one person at a time.
1.Έχεις ένα σώμα Μπορεί να σου αρέσει μπορεί όχι όμως
είναι δικό σου για όλη την περίοδο της ζωής του 2.Θα διδαχτείς μαθήματα
Εμπλέκεσαι σε μια πλήρης απασχόλησης σχολική σεζόν που ονομάζεται ζωή.Κάθε μέρα
σε αυτό το σχολείο θα χεις την ευκαιρία να διδαχτείς μαθήματα.Αυτά τα μαθήματα
μπορεί να σου αρέσουν η μπορεί να τα θεωρείς άσχετα και ηλίθια 3.Δεν υπάρχουν
λάθη, μόνο μαθήματα Η ανάπτυξη είναι μια διεργασία πειραματισμών, δοκιμής και
λάθους.Τα αποτυχημένα πειράματα είναι εξίσου μέρος της διεργασίας όπως και τα
πειράματα που τελικά λειτουργούν! 4.Ένα μάθημα θα επαναλαμβάνεται μέχρι να το
μάθεις Ένα μάθημα θα παρουσίαζεται σε σένα με πολλούς τρόπους μέχρι να το
μάθεις Οταν θα το έχεις μάθει θα μπορεί να πηγαίνεις στο επόμενο μάθημα. 5.Το
να διδάσκεται μαθήματα δεν τελειώνει ποτέ Δεν υπάρχει τμήμα της ζωής που να μην
περιλαμβάνει μαθήματα .Οσο είσαι ζωντανός, υπάρχουν μαθήματα να μαθεις 6.Το
"εκεί" δεν είναι καλύτερο από το "Εδώ" Όταν το δικό σου
"εκεί" έχει γίνει το δικό σου "εδώ" απλά θα αποκτηθεί άλλο
ένα "εκεί" που με τη σειρά του θα μοιάζει καλύτερο από το
"εδώ" 7.Η άλλοι είναι απλά καθρέφτες για σένα Δεν μπορείς να αγαπάς η
να μισήσεις οτιδήποτε σε ένα άλλο άτομο εκτός εάν αντανακλά κάτι που αγαπάς η
μισείς στον εαυτό σου 8.Ότι κάνεις με τη ζωή σου εξαρτάται από σένα Έχεις όλα
τα εργαλεία και τις πηγές που χρειάζεσαι,Το τι κάνει με αυτά εξαρτάται από
σένα, η επιλογή είναι δική σου 9.Ολες οι απαντήσεις είναι μέσα σου Όλες οι
απαντΉσεις στα ερωτήματα της ζωής βρίσκονται μέσα σου.Όλο ότι χρειάζεται να
κάνεις είναι να δεις, να αφουγκραστείς και να εμπιστευτείς 10.Όλα αυτά θα τα ξεχάσεις!
Τρίτη, 15 Ιουνίου 2010 στις 6:36 μ.μ.
Γιατί έλκομαι από τα είδη των ανθρώπων με τους οποίους
έχω υπάρξει σε σχέση στη ζωή μου; γιατί αντιδρώ με συγκεκριμένους τρόπους σε
συγκεκριμένες καταστάσεις; Από που προέρχονται τα πρότυπα συμπεριφοράς μου;
Γιατί μερικές φορές αισθάνομαι τόσο αβοήθητος μόνος απελπισμένος τρομαγμένος
θυμωμένος; Ξεκινώντας να κάνουμε αυτά τα είδη των ερωτήσεων είναι το πρώτο βήμα
για μια διαδικασία θεραπείας Είναι υγιές να αρχίσουμε να αναρωτιόμαστε για τη
δυναμική των αιτιών και των αποτελεσμάτων στη ζωή μας Ως εξαρτημένα άτομα
αντιδρούσαμε τη ζωή με όρους ασπρο- μαύρο σωστό -λάθος Eνα υπόδειγμα
πεποιθήσεων που μάς δίδαξαν πως είναι ντροπή και κακό να είσαι λάθος, να κάνεις
λάθη να είσαι ατελής να είσαι άνθρωπος.σχηματισαμε τον πυρήνα των σχέσεων με
τον εαυτό μας και με τη ζωή στην πρώιμη παιδική ηλικία μας βασισμένοι σε
μηνύματα που πήραμε, στο συναισθηματικό τραύμα που υποφέραμε και στα υποδείγματα
ρόλων των ενηλίκων γύρω μας.Καθώς μεγάλωνα με, χτίσαμε τη σχέση μας με τον
εαυτό μας τους άλλους ανθρώπους και τη ζωή στα θεμέλια του σχηματίσαμε στην
πρώιμη παιδική μας ηλικία Όταν είμαστε πέντε ετών ήδη αντιδρούσαμε στη ζωή με
βάση το συναισθηματικό τράυμα ποιό πρώιμων ηλικιών.Υιοθετήσαμε Αμυνες
προσπαθώντας να προστατεύσουμε τους εαυτούς μας και να ικανοποιήσουμε την
ανάγκη μας για επιβίωση Οι άμυνες που υιοθετήσαμε στα πέντε εξαιτίας του
πράγματος που υποφέραμε σε πιο πρώιμη ηλικία μας οδηγησε σε επιπλέον τραύμα
όταν είμαστε επτά ετών,που κι αυτό με τη σειρά του μας οδήγησε να πληγωθούμε
στα εννέα μάς.κλπ κλπ. Τοξική ντρόπή είναι η πεποίθηση ότι κάτι είναι εγγενώς
λάθος με μας, με αυτό που είμαστε, με την ύπαρξη μας.Ένοχή σημαίνει Έκανα ένα
λάθος έκανα κάτι λάθος.Τοξική ντροπή είναι είμαι ένα λάθος, υπάρχει κάτι λάθος
με εμένα. Είναι πολύ σημαντικό να αρχίσουμε να βλέπουμε την αλήθεια πως δεν
υπάρχει τίποτε εγγενώς λάθος με την ύπαρξη μας.Είναι η σχέση μας με τον εαυτό
μας και με τη ζωή που είναι δυσλειτουργική.Και αυτή η σχέση σχηματίστηκε στην
πρώιμη παιδική μάς ηλικία. Ο τρόπος με τον οποίο κάποιος αρχίζει τη θεραπεία
του εσωτερικού παιδιού μέσα του είναι απλά με το να αποκτά επίγνωση. Να
αποκτησούμε επίγνωση πως η αρχή που κυβερνά τη ζωή είναι αιτία και αποτέλεσμα.
Να αποκτήσουμε επίγνωση πως η σχέση μας με τον εαυτό μας είναι δυσλειτουργική.
Να αποκτήσουμε επίγνωση πως έχουμε τη δύναμη να αλλάξουμε τη σχέση μας με τον
εαυτό μας Να αποκτήσουμε επίγνωση πως έιμασταν προγραμματισμένοι με ψευδείς πεποιθήσεις
για το νόημα και την φύση της ζωής στην πρώιμη παιδική μας ηλικία-Και πως
μπορούμε να αλλάξουμε αυτόν τον προγραμματισμό Να αποκτήσουμε επίγνωση πως
έχουμε συναισθηματικά τράυματα από την παιδική μας ηλικία, πως είναι δυνατό να
έρθουμε σε επαφή και να θεραπεύτουμε αρκετά ώστε να σταματήσουμε αυτά τα
τράυματα να καθορίζουν τον τρόπο που ζούμε την ζωή μας σήμερα. Αυτός είναι ο
σκοπός της θεραπείας του εσωτερικού παιδιού μεσα μας.Να σταματήσουμε να
αφήνουμε τις εμπειρίες του παρελθόντος να καθορίζουν πως ανταποκρινόμαστε στη
ζωή σήμερα.Αυτό δεν μπορεί να γίνει χωρίς να ξαναεπισκεφτούμε με την παιδική
μας ηλικία. Απαιτείται να αποκτήσουμε αυτή την επίγνωση που θα μας επιτρέψει να
παρατηρούμε τον εαυτό μας. Είναι πολύ σημαντικό να αρχίσουμε να παρατηρούμε
τους εαυτούς μας τις αντιδράσεις μας τα συναισθήματα μας, τις σκέψεις μας μέσα
από μία αποδεσμευμένη οπτική γωνία του παρατηρητή που δεν ντρέπεται Όλοι μας
έχουμε έναν εσωτερικό κριτή,Την εσωτερική φωνή του γονιού μέσα μας που μας
κρίνει μας προκαλεί ντροπή και φόβο Αυτή η φωνή αναπτύχθηκε για να προσπαθεί να
ελέγχει τα αισθήματά μας και τις συμπεριφορές μας επειδή πήραμε το μήνυμα πως
κάτι ήταν λάθος με μας και πως η επιβίωση μας βρισκόταν υπο απειλή αν κάναμε
λέγαμε η αισθανόμαστε τα λάθος πράγματα Είναι πολύ σημαντικό να αρχίσουμε να
μάθουμε πως να μην δίνουμε δύναμη σε αυτή τη φωνή μέσα μας. Οφείλουμε να
αρχίσουμε να παρατηρούμε τους εαυτούς μας με συμπάθεια. Αυτό είναι σχεδόν
αδύνατο στην αρχή τη θεραπείας Του Εσωτερικού Παιδιού μέσα μας. Το να έχουμε συμπόνοια
για τον εαυτό μας.Το να αγαπάμε τον εαυτό μας είναι το δυσκολότερο πράγμα για
όλους να κάνουμε Πρέπει να αρχίσουμε να ρωτάμε τον εαυτό μας απο που αυτή η
αντίδραση η σκέψη η το συναίσθημα προέρχεται.Γιατί αισθάνομαι με αυτόν τον
τρόπο που αισθάνομαι.Τι μου θυμίζει αυτό από το παρελθόν μου Πόσο χρόνών
αισθάνομαι αυτή τη στιγμή που αντιδρώ έτσι.Ως σαν να ήμουν πόσο χρόνων
αντέδρασα όταν συνέβη αυτό. Ένα από τα ποιό καταπληκτικά πράγματα γι αυτή τη
διεργασία είναι πως όταν κάποιος ξεκινήσει να αποκτά επίγνωση για τις δικές του
αντιδράσεις, αρχιζει να αποκτά επίγνωση και για τη συμπεριφορά των άλλων.
Αρχίζουμε να βλέπουμε ποιό ξεκάθαρα όταν οι άνθρωποι στη ζωή μας αρχίζουν να
αντιδρούν ως ένα μικρό παιδί η ως έφηβος η ο τιδήποτε άλλο.Όσο περισσότερο απόκτούμε
επίγνωση των δικών μας αντιδράσεων,τόσο πιο εύκολο γίνεται για μάς να
σταματήσουμε να παίρνουμε τη συμπεριφορά των άλλων προσωπικά κι αυτό κάνει πιο
εύκολο με τη σειρά του να αποδεσμευόμαστε από τις δικές μας αντιδράσεις στην
συμπεριφορά των άλλων και να παρατηρούμε τους εαυτούς μας! Είναι μία
καταπληκτική θαύμαστή διεργασία που μπορεί να μας βοηθήσει να αλλάξουμε την
σχέση μας με τον εαυτό μας με τους άλλους ανθρώπους και με τη ζωή.Με το να
αποκτήσουμε μεγαλύτερη επιγνωση. Ενα νέο τρόπο του να βλέπουμε τους εαυτούς μας
και τη ζωή. Είναι η αρχή μιας διεργασίας εκμάθησης να συγχωρούμε και να αγαπάμε
τον εαυτό μας. Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
Δευτέρα, 14 Ιουνίου 2010 στις 10:13 μ.μ. |
CODEPENDENCY.(Ο Αγγλοσαξωνικός όρος που περιγράφει τις
σχέσεις εξάρτησης που αναπτύσει ένα ενήλικο άτομο στις διαπροσωπικές του
σχέσεις).Είναι συναισθηματικός αμυντικός μηχανισμός που υιοθετήθηκε από το εγώ
μας την πρώιμη παιδική ηλικία για να μας βοηθήσει να επιβιώσουμε ζώντας σε ένα
πνευματικά εχθρικό, συναισθηματικά καταπιεστικό δυσλειτουργικό περιβάλλον μέσα
στο οποίο μεγαλώσαμε .Σε αυτό το συναισθηματικό αμυντικό μηχανισμό η τιμωρητική
φωνή του γονιού μέσα μας,είναι αυτή που δυναμώνει το Εγώ .Αναπτύχθηκε για να
προσπαθεί να ελέγχει τα συναισθήματα και τη συμπεριφορά μας έτσι ώστε να
μπορέσουμε να επιβιώσουμε. Χρησιμοποιεί τα ίδια εργαλεία που οι γονείς μας
χρησιμοποιούσαν για να ελέγχουν τη συμπεριφορά μας: φόβο ντροπή και αισθήματα
ενοχής Τα αισθήματά μας είναι αυτά που παρακινούν την συμπεριφορά μας.Έτσι το
κεντρικό θέμα ελέγχου για το εγώ μας είναι να ελέγχει τα συναισθήματά μας ι
ώστε να μη συμπεριφερόμαστε με τρόπους που ο προγραμματισμός του εγώ πιστεύει
πως θα δημιουργήσει απειλή για την επιβίωσή μας Το έγώ μας έχει μάθει να
σχετίζεται με τη ζωή μέσα από το φόβο την ντροπή και τον τρόμο.Γιατί αυτό είναι
που οι γονείς μας προγραμματίστηκαν να επιτρέπουν να καθορίζει τη δική τους
σχέση με τη ζωή. Μεγαλώνοντας σε συναισθηματικά καταπιεστικά , δυσλειτουργικά,
ανέντιμα κοινωνικά περιβάλλοντα μας προκάλεσε να εχουμε μια δυσλειτουργική
σχέση με τα ίδια μας τα συναισθήματα Όλοι μας κουβαλάμε μέσα μας καταπιεσμένο
πόνο τρόμο ντροπή και θυμό από την παιδική μας ηλικία, είτε αυτή ήταν είκοσι
χρόνια πριν η ακόμη πενήντα χρόνια πριν. Εχουμέ κάτι που πρέπει να θρηνήσουμε
μέσα μας ακόμη κι αν προερχόμαστε από μια σχετικά υγιής οικογένεια επειδή αυτή
η κοινωνία που ζούμε είναι συναισθηματικά ανέντιμη και δυσλειτουργική. Όταν
κάποιος πατά τα κουμπιά μας, αυτός η αυτή ενεργοποιεί αυτή την αποθηκευμένη
συσσωρευμένη ενέργεια του θύμού. Αυτός η αυτή ανασκαλεύει τα παλιά τραύματα και
όλα τα νεότερα τραύματα που επικάθησαν πάνω στο αρχικό τραύμα μέσα από την
επανάληψη των ίδιων προτύπων συμπεριφοράς. Τρομοκρατούμαστέ από αυτόν των
συσσωρευμένο πόνο, τρόμο, ντροπή και θυμό- του να μας έχουν πατήσει τα κουμπιά
μας, γιατί το έχούμε βιώσει στο παρελθόν ως στιγμές οπου έχουμε εκρηκτικά
υπεραντίδρασει με τρόπους που μας προκάλεσαν αργότερα να αισθανόμαστε ντροπή η
ως ενδο- εκρηκτικές αντιδράσεις που μας έριξαν στο βαθύ σκοτάδι της αυτολύπησης
και της απελπισίας . Όσο δεν διαπραγματευόμαστε αυτον των συσσωρευμένο θυμό από
την παιδική μας ηλικία είναι αδύνατο να είμαστε συναισθηματικά έντιμοι με τους
εαυτούς μας ,κάτι που καθιστά αδύνατο όχι μόνο να γνωρίζουμε ποιοί είμαστε άλλο
επίσης μας προκαλεί να είμαστε ανέτοιμοι σε όλες μας τις σχέσεις Το γνωστικό
μας υπόδειγμα, η προδιαθέσεις πεποιθήσεις και συμπεριφορές που ενθαρρύνουμε
συνειδητά ή ασυνείδητα είναι αυτό που καθορίζει τις προσδοκίες μας και τον
τρόπο που βλέπαμε τα πράγματα.Αυτός ο τρόπος θέασης του εαυτού μας, του
νοήματος και του σκοπού της ζωής ,του πως σχετιζόμαστε με τους άλλους είναι
αυτός που καθορίζει τις συναισθηματικές μας αντιδράσεις στις σχέσεις μας.Δεν
είμαστε ικανοί να έρθουμε σε επαφή με κάποιους από αυτούς τους υπόσυνείδητους
προγραμματισμούς μέχρι να επιτελέσουμε μια διεργασία θλίψης και αναγνώρισης του
θυμού μέσα μας.Είναι αδύνατον να αλλάξουμε θεμελιακά αυτόν τον προγραμματισμό
χωρίς να επιτελέσουμε μία διεργασία θλίψης και πόνου.Χωρίς να αποδεχτούμε και
να μάθουμε να δείχνουμε κατανόηση για το παιδί του υπήρξαμε κάποτε.Δεν μπορούμε
να μάθουμε να αγαπάμε αληθινά τους εαυτούς μας χωρίς να θεραπεύσουμε τα
συναισθηματικά τραύματα της παιδικής μας ηλικίας. Είναι αυτοί οι καταπιεσμένοι
ενέργεια θυμού συνδυασμένη μαζί με έναν αρνητικό γνωστικό προγραμματισμό από
την παιδική μας ηλικία που δημιουργεί αυτό που ονομάζουμε gatekeeper(θυρωρό)Ο
θυρωρός –ο φύλακας που δεν μας αφήνει να πλησιάσουμε συναισθηματικά τους
άλλους-είναι μια συμπεριφορική εκδήλωση που ωθείται από τα δικά μας
συναισθηματικά τράυματα επειδή επιτρέπουμε ακόμη την εμπειρία μας της ζωής να
ορίζεται και να καθορίζεται η απο το αρνητικό.Τον προγραμματισμό που βασίζεται
πάνω στον φόβο και την ντροπή. Την τιμωρητική φωνή του γονιού μέσα μας Έπρεπε
να αποδεσμευτούμε από τα ίδια μας τα συναισθήματα στην παιδική ηλικία γιατί ο
συναισθηματικός πόνος θα μας είχε σκοτώσει αν δεν το κάναμε Η αρνηση και η
αποσύνδεση είναι εργαλεία επιβίωσης που μας επέτρεψαν να επιβιώσουμε στην
παιδική μας ηλικία Τα συναισθήματα είναι ενέργεια που εκδηλώνεται πάνω στα
σώματα μας Για να επιβιώσουμε έπρεπε να μάθουμε να μην είμαστε συνειδητά
παρόντες στο ίδιο μας το σώμα στη στιγμή,στο παρόν. Ως παιδιά έπρεπε να μάθουμε
να αποσυνδεόμαστε για να μην είμαστε παρόντες τη στιγμή μέσα στο ίδιο μας το
σώμα, επειδή ο συναισθηματικός πόνος ήταν τόσο μεγάλος Ο βασικός τρόπος με τον
οποίο μάθαμε να μην είμαστε παρόντες αρχικά ήταν να ζούμε μέσα στο κεφάλι μας
για να αποφεύγουμε τα συναισθήματα.Αργότερα κάποιοι από μας μπορεί να
χρησιμοποιήσαν τα ναρκωτικά κι άλκοόλ για να δραπετεύσουν από τη στιγμή, το εδώ
και τώρα.Αλλά ακόμη και τότε το να ζεί κανείς στο κεφάλι του, ήταν η βασική
άμυνα ενάντια στα συναισθήματα Ως παιδιά φαντασιωνόμασταν εκλογικεύαμε και
αναλύαμε εστιάζαμε σε κάτι η κάποιον έξω από τον εαυτό μας και έτσι μας
συλαμβαναν να είμαστε πάντα στο παρελθόν η το μέλλον, δεν ήμασταν ικανοί να
βιώνουμε το παρόν στο ίδιο μας το σώμα στη στιγμή επειδή δεν ήταν εντάξει να
αισθανόμαστε ωραία με τα συναισθήματα μας.Αυτό εννούμε όταν μιλάμε για
συναισθηματικά ανέντιμες κοινωνίες.Επειδή ζούσαμε τόσο πολύ αυτό τον φόβο
ταυτόχρονα δεν μπορούσαμε να παραδεχτούμε πως αισθανόμαστε οποιονδήποτε φόβο
Επρεπε να ξοδεύουμε τεράστια ποσότητα ενέργειας για να αρνούμαστε αυτόν τον
φόβο. Έτσι δραπετεύσαμε από τη συναισθηματική μας πραγματικότητα σκεπτόμενοι το
μέλλον,δημιουργώντας μεγαλοπρεπής φαντασιώσεις ενός θετικού μέλλοντος(Κάναμε
πρόβα την ομιλία που θα εκφωνούσαμε κατά την τελετή αποφοίτησης ή
φαντασιωνόμασταν εκείνη την μη διαθέσιμη κοπέλα με την οποία ήμασταν πάντοτε
ερωτευμένοι)είτε μυρηκάζαμε το παρελθόν με το να αυτομαστιγωνόμαστε για κάτι
ηλίθιο που είπαμε η κάναμε.Είτε με το να παραδινόμαστε στον θυμό και την
αυτολύπηση για το πως κάποιος κατάφερε να μας θυματοποίησει.Όλο αυτό είναι πολύ
δυσλειτουργικό επειδή καταφέρνει να παράγει περισσότερη συναισθηματική ενέργεια
. Με λίγα λόγια το εγώ μας στην προσπάθειά του να μας προστατεύσει από το να
αισθανθούμε τον φόβο μας μας προκαλεί να ζούμε στο κεφάλι μας ανησυχώντας και
αυτό μηρυκάζοντας κάτι που παράγει περισσότερο φόβο. Αυτός ο φόβος έχει τόσο
μεγάλη δύναμη όχι απλώς επειδή μάθαμε να φοβόμαστε τα ίδια μας τα συναισθήματα
αλλά κι επειδή είχαμε προγραμματιστεί να φοβόμαστε τη ζωή και τους άλλους
ανθρώπους εξαιτίας του συναισθηματικά και πνευματικά εχθρικού περιβάλλοντος στο
οποίο μεγαλώσαμε. Όλοι μας μάθαμε τρόπους του να πραγματεύομαστε τον πόνο του
να είναι κανείς άνθρωπος σε κοινωνίες που μας διδάσκουν πως είναι ντροπή να
είσαι άνθρωπος.Όλοι μας έπρεπε να υιοθετήσουμε αμυντικούς μηχανισμούς που θα
μας βοηθούσαν να αποσυνδεθούμε.Να περάσουμε σε ασυνείδητο επίπεδο το
συναισθηματικό πόνο που βιώσαμε μεγαλώνοντας σε συναισθηματικά ανέντιμες
πνευματικά εχθρικές κοινωνίες.(Πνευματικά σύμφωνα με τον ορισμό μου επειδή ο
πολιτισμός θεμελιώνεται πάνω στην πεποίθεση του αποχωρισμού,της ντροπής του να
είσαι άνθρωπος και του φόβου της διαφοράς αντί στη Σύνδεση και την Αγάπη.)
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
codependency is an emotional
and behavioral defense system adapted by our egos in early childhood to help us
survive living in the "Spiritually hostile, emotionally repressive,
dysfunctional environments into which we were born." In this dysfunctional
emotional and behavioral defense system, the "critical parent voice"
is the ego's enforcer. It developed to try to control our emotions and behavior
so that we could survive. It uses the same tools that our parents used to try
to control our behavior - fear, shame, and guilt. Our emotions are what drive
our behavior. So the bottom line control issue for the ego is to control our
emotions so that we don't behave in ways that the ego programming believes will
create a threat to our survival. Our ego's were conditioned to relate to life
from fear, shame, and scarcity - because that is what our parents were
programmed to allow to dictate their relationship with life. Growing up in
emotionally repressive, dysfunctional, dishonest societies causes us to have a
dysfunctional relationship with our own emotions "We are all carrying
around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods,
whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy
within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this
society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional. When someone "pushes your
buttons," he/she is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy.
She/he is gouging the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on
top of those original wounds by our repeating behavior patterns. We are
terrified of this pressurized pain, terror, shame, and rage energy - of
"having our buttons pushed" -because we have experienced it in the
past as instances where we have explosively overreacted in ways that caused us
to later feel ashamed and crazy, or as implosive reactions that have thrown us
into that deep dark pit of emotional despair within." As long as we have
not dealt with this repressed grief from our childhoods it is impossible to be
emotionally honest with ourselves - which makes it impossible to not only know
who we are, but also causes us to be dishonest in all of our relationships. The
intellectual paradigm - attitudes, beliefs, and definitions - that we are
empowering, both consciously and subconsciously, is what determines our
perspectives and expectations. Those perspectives - of our self, of the meaning
and purpose of life, of how to relate to others - are what dictate our
emotional reactions and our relationships. We are not able to get in touch with
some of this subconscious programming until we do our grief work. It is
impossible to fundamentally change that subconscious programming without doing
our grief work - without owning, and learning to have compassion for the child
that we were. We cannot learn to Truly Love ourselves, without healing the
emotional wounds from our childhood. It is this suppressed grief energy,
coupled with the negative intellectual programming from childhood, that creates
the Gatekeeper. The Gatekeeper is a behavioral manifestation that is driven by
our emotional wounds because we are still allowing our experience of life to be
defined by the negative, fear and shame based programming - by the critical
parent voice. We had to disassociate from our own emotions in childhood because
the emotional pain would have killed us if we didn't. Denial and disassociation
are survival tools that allowed us to survive childhood. Emotions are energy
that is manifested in our bodies. In order to survive we had to learn to not be
consciously present in our own skin in the moment. I am going to use some
quotes here from a few of my articles about disassociation. "As a child I
had to learn to disassociate, to not be present in the moment in my own skin,
because the emotional pain was too great. The primary way I learned to be
unconscious early on was to be in my head to avoid the feelings. Later on, I
would use drugs and alcohol to escape being present "here" - in my
body in the moment - but even then being in my head was my primary defense
against feeling my feelings. I would fantasize, intellectualize, and analyze. I
would focus on something or someone outside of myself - and was always caught
up in the past or future. I was not capable of being present in my own skin in
the moment because it was not okay to feel my feelings. Because I was living in
so much fear - at the same time I could not acknowledge that I felt any fear -
I had to put a great deal of energy into denying that fear. I would escape from
my emotional reality by thinking about the future - creating grandiose
fantasies of a positive nature (rehearsing my Academy Award acceptance speech,
or fantasizing about the unavailable woman I was currently obsessing about) or
of a negative nature (worry, impending doom, financial insecurity) - or
ruminating on the past, either beating myself up for something "stupid"
I said or did, or wallowing in resentment and self pity about how someone had
victimized me. This is very dysfunctional because it generates more emotional
energy." - Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Book
2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life The last sentence in the above quote
is at the core of why codependency is a dysfunctional defense system. The ego,
in it's efforts to protect us from feeling our fear, causes us to be in our
head worrying and obsessing - which creates more fear. It creates the magnified
mutant monster type of codependent fear that I have talked about in other
articles. This fear has so much power, not just because we learned to be afraid
of our own emotions - but because we were programmed to fear life and other
people due to the Spiritually hostile cultures we grew up in. "We all
learned ways to cope with the pain of being human in societies that taught us
it was shameful to be human. We all had to adapt defense systems that would
help us disassociate - go unconscious to - the emotional pain we experienced
growing up in emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environments.
(Spiritually hostile in my definition because civilization is founded upon
belief in separation, shame about being human, and fear of differences instead
of connection and Love.)"
"Traditionally in this
society women were taught to be codependent on - that is take their
self-definition and self-worth from - their relationships with men, while men
have been taught to be codependent on their success/career/work. That has
changed somewhat in the past twenty or thirty years - but is still part of the
reason that women have more of a tendency to sell their souls for relationships
than men do. Codependence is all about giving outside or external influences
power over our self-esteem. Everything outside of our 'self' - rather that is
people, places and things or our own external appearance - has to do with
ego-strength not self-worth. We all have equal Divine worth because we are
transcendent Spiritual beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the Great Spirit/God-Force
- not because of anything outside of us." How codependency has manifested
in dysfunctional civilization. - men were taught that their worth comes from
being human doings, not human beings. Men are defined - and determine their
worth - by what they do, their work, fulfilling their role as provider. A man
can be a lousy father and husband - can be a really unpleasant and nasty human
being - and still be considered successful and worthy of admiration in our
dysfunctional society. The traditional view of a male - female relationship is
that: the male has worth because he does (brings home the bacon), and the woman
has worth because she serves the male. Denial is an incredibly powerful
survival tool. When someone is heavily invested in being right, they wear
blinders that keep them from seeing any other possibility. What I do know is
that an unconscious acceptance of traditional dysfunctional definitions
dictates the way one relates to life, to women, and to the institution of
marriage. I believe that all families are dysfunctional to some degree -
because civilized societies are emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional. In
this society, in a general sense, the men have been traditionally taught to be
primarily aggressive, the "John Wayne" syndrome, while women have
been taught to be self-sacrificing and passive. But that is a generalization;
it is entirely possible that you came from a home where your mother was John
Wayne and your father was the self-sacrificing martyr. The point that I am
making is that our understanding of Codependence has evolved to realizing that
this is not just about some dysfunctional families - our very role models, our
prototypes, are dysfunctional. Our traditional cultural concepts of what a man
is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated
stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are. A vital part of this
healing process is finding some balance in our relationship with the masculine
and feminine energy within us, and achieving some balance in our relationships
with the masculine and feminine energy all around us. We cannot do that if we
have twisted, distorted beliefs about the nature of masculine and feminine.
When the role model of what a man is does not allow a man to cry or express fear;
when the role model for what a woman is does not allow a woman to be angry or
aggressive - that is emotional dishonesty. When the standards of a society deny
the full range of the emotional spectrum and label certain emotions as negative
- that is not only emotionally dishonest, it creates emotional disease. If a
culture is based on emotional dishonesty, with role models that are dishonest
emotionally, then that culture is also emotionally dysfunctional, because the
people of that society are set up to be emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional
in getting their emotional needs met. What we traditionally have called normal
parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest.
Children learn who they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their
parents. "Do as I say - not as I do," does not work with children.
Emotionally dishonest parents cannot be emotionally healthy role models, and
cannot provide healthy parenting.
